This is the story of one of my friends, Animal Doc, who happens to be a very prominent and well-respected veterinarian in the Peoria area. He went skiing in Vail several years ago with two of his college buddies. As he tells it, Two-Ton Tommy, who hails from Horseshoe Bend, Arkansas, was a very big man at that time, ranging in the neighborhood of that of a young bull pushing close to 400 pounds on the Chicago stockyard beef scales. The other fellow, Double Black Diamond, comes from Flathead County in Montana, being one of the best skiers who almost qualified for a spot on the Olympics, in the downhill.
The three of them were all going out for a couple of drinks after a terrific day on the freshly powdered slopes of Vail, which had a strong base of over 64″ of the finest snow that mid-March could produce with the temperatures hovering around 45°. There were bright sunny conditions with young snow bunnies either skiing or posing in their bikinis and they were all out en masse. These three disco skiing buddies were in seventh heaven. They had such a great day of free riding that they decided to celebrate that evening by going to Manky’s Hot Wings for some 5 -11 styled, spiced up buffalo hot wings and drinks.
Animal Doc told me, that Two-Ton Tommy ordered the hottest spiced-up wings that one could possibly order. They were so hot, that you thought they came from Three Mile Island. They each had three orders, about one pound per order. When the waitress brought the third basket of wings to the table, Two-Ton asked her if she had anything that was illegally hot that he could add to the last basket of wings. She told them that she had this special blend that only the local rippers would add to their wings, stating that it has six skulls and cross bones on the label. Two-Ton Tommy said to bring it on, a very, very big mistake.
Madeline, the waitress, brought them this special blend, just as Two-Ton Tommy had requested. Animal Doc suggested that Tommy put some on his fingertips first to try it before he shook it all over his wings. Well, Two-Ton Tommy, not being very delicate and having the hands and grace of a small hippo, happened to shake out about a tablespoon on all five of his fingers on his right hand. He then put the taste to his lips and nothing happened, so he decided to spread the sauce on all of his wings. For several minutes, there was no reaction as Tommy ate his highly seasoned super hot wings. Then, Blammo!! It was a delayed reaction; it hit him hard, just like those crash dummies in a car that we see smashing into a solid wall at 30 mph. He broke out into such a severe sweat that his forehead was dripping water as if he just stepped out of the shower.
Two-Ton Tommy grabbed the pitcher of ice-cold water from the table, pulling out at least six ice cubes and jamming them into his mouth. It didn’t work. He got up fast and ran into the men’s room. While in the men’s room, he had to piss rather badly, so with the ice cubes still in his mouth, he moved over to the urinal and started to relieve himself by grabbing his beef bayonet with his right hand, which is where he had spilled the 5-11 special blended hot sauce. Relief was just a handshake away, dispensing of the five draught brews.
Finally, he returned to the table, saying that he was not feeling very well and could they please all go home. Animal Doc and Double Black Diamond said sure, since they were very tired from the day of skiing and were also stuffed from the three orders of hot wings and the local draughts that they ordered and consumed. They paid their bill and headed out of the diner.
As they were driving back to their Alpine ski lodge, it began to hit Two-Ton Tommy extremely hard. The towering inferno was now between his legs because his penis was now on fire approaching the 2300° meltdown that would inflict radiation upon all those within a 15-mile radius. He yelled at the other two to pull over at the McDonald’s that he spotted about a half a block ahead. They pulled into Mackey D’s. Two-Ton Tommy jumped out of the car and ran into the men’s room. He proceeded to drop his drawers at the washbasin, leaned over and stuck his baloney pony under the faucet with ice-cold water running all over him as he desperately tried to cool himself down. Meanwhile, Animal Doc and Double Black Diamond went to the counter and ordered some ice cream cones for all three of them.
Two-Ton Tommy was doing the Niagara Falls on his magic wand when another man entered the john. Upon seeing Tommy butt naked giving himself a washing with the look of complete sexual gratification, the customer yelled at him, saying that he was some sort of perverted sexual deviate and he was going to call the local cops on him for indecent exposure. Two-Ton Tommy immediately pulled up his checkered Hanes boxers and Levis so fast, that he buckled and zipped them all under three seconds, as he fled out of the john still in excruciating pain. He was desperate to get out of Dodge quickly to avoid arrest on only their second day ever in Vail.
The other two were already in the car waiting for Two-Ton Tommy, while enjoying their ice-cream cones. Tommy jumped into the back seat and told them to get the car started and pull out of the parking lot before the local peelers came. They had no idea what Tommy was talking about, but they saw the fear of fright on his face, so they started the car and peeled out of the parking lot.
As they drove away, Animal Doc turned around and handed back the extra ice-cream cone to Two-Ton Tommy thinking that his mouth was still on fire. Au contraire, Two-Ton unbuckled his pants, zipped down the zipper and proceeded to jam the ice cream directly into the family jewels. It seemed to work. Animal Doc not only saw, but also heard the hissing sound of steam, as something very hot was being cooled down by something very cold. It was a nuclear reactor cool down. The downside was that it made such a filthy mess in the backseat, they had to pay the rental car company extra bucks to clean up the sticky spilled ice cream in the rear seat.
Two-Ton Tommy, after that experience, figured out that he had better go on the TV show, “The Biggest Loser”, to see if he could not only lose weight, but also change his eating habits. Tommy wasn’t the final winner, but he did get his weight down to a respectable 190 pounds on his own on a large 6’2″ frame.
Animal Doc and Double Black Diamond never asked Two-Ton Tommy to go skiing with them again, although Tommy had told them that he swore off any and all types of hot wings. To this day he has never broken that vow. Two-Ton Tommy’s former favorite quote from Forrest Gump, “Momma always says, put Tabasco sauce on everything you eat; that way, you can eat very cheap,” has now gone to the Arkansas landfill, along with the 210 pounds that he lost.
