#21:PRESTWICK GOLF COURSE, TIGHTWAD TERRY AND HIS MARKERS

 Tightwad Terry decided to go with us on a trip to Scotland.  As before, on all of our golf trips we had everyone send PA Paul, a check for the skins, and for the golf game betting; generally $10 for a daily skins and $30 for the daily golf game.  Each of us then sent PA a check for $440 for the 11 rounds of golf about two or three weeks prior to the golf trip.  PA Paul had received everyone’s check except for Tightwad Terry.

 Tightwad (or TW as we called him) Terry is one of the most successful corporate lawyers in Peoria, and therefore, has almost as much money and wealth as Warren Buffett.  The only difference is that Mr. Buffett spends his money, whereas, TW Terry hoards his.

 We were all sitting around; the American Airlines gate at O’Hare international Airport, waiting to board our flight to Glasgow, Scotland. PA Paul approached TW Terry and asked him if he had mailed his check for the $440 entry fee because PA had not received it to date.  TW responded by saying that he had forgotten to, but as soon as we land in Scotland he will immediately cash in some of his Gold American Express travelers checks, and then promptly pay PA.

 When we landed at the Glasgow airport, we retrieved our luggage, our golf bags and then headed out of the baggage claim area straight to our rental vans, beginning a week of marvelous golf in Scotland.  Our first round of golf was at the Westerwood Golf Course in Glasgow that afternoon.  It was only about an hour or so after we had arrived in Scotland that we were now teeing it up.  We played three best balls of four for that round in which Terry was on the winning team, shooting a solid 84 on a 10 handicap, which was simply amazing after just getting off of an overseas bumpy flight in economy class for the last 8½ hours.

 The next day, we were off to play both the St. Andrews Old and New Courses.  We had bagged the New Course after several holes and waited in the clubhouse until our tee time for the Old Course.  The game on the Old Course was “mono y mono”, again. TW Terry won that game, and he was now two for two in the win column.  On the third day, we played the famous Muirfield Golf Club in the morning and Gullane #1 in the afternoon.  Again, TW was on both winning teams.  TW Terry was stacking up his winnings, higher than IHOP’s flapjacks on a Super Bowl Sunday, but he still had not cashed any of his Gold American Express traveler’s checks to cover the betting.  PA Paul and I would ask TW Terry if he planned on going to one of Scotland’s banks that we kept seeing by all the golf courses or if he would just cash some of those travelers’ checks at the hotel where we were lodging.  TW informed us that he could not go to a bank, since it was a Scottish bank holiday.  We had no idea if he was correct or not.  He then advised us, that since the exchange rates in the hotels were not in his favor, we would therefore have to wait another day or two before he would be able to pay PA his entry fee.

 By the golfer’s gambling creed, generally, if you’re winning big, it’s customary and polite to pick up a round or two of beers at lunch for the group.  TW Terry was winning Boston Blackie big, but was not doing this.  He decided that he was going to be on an alcohol free trip and was just going to drink only water the whole time, and it wasn’t even Lent.  On the fourth day, again, TW was on both of the winning teams and was accumulating not only the daily winnings, but he was also winning skins like crazy.  As a point of interest, PA Paul keeps track of the daily winnings and daily skins, but does not pay out until we all come home.  Generally, you will receive a check for your winnings and a summary sheet of the rounds of golf about two or three weeks after we come home.

 Keep in mind that all of us are using caddies on all the golf courses that we are playing in Scotland, except for TW Terry.  He elected to use the trolley (a pull cart) for 2 Euros per round, rather than pay for a caddie.  The only problem that this presented was that although he did not have his own caddie, he used the caddies in all of his foursomes for every round.   He’d weasel out information from them, such as reading his putts on each hole, the club selection for a shot, and just general information of the golf course for every hole that only the local caddies would know.  It was not only bad enough that he used everyone’s caddie, but at the end of the round when it would be time to pony up to tip the caddies, TW Terry could not be found anywhere.  And, if someone had found him hiding in the water closet, he would tell him that he would not be able to participate in tipping.  His explanation was that he would not contribute towards the caddies tip, because he did not personally hire them, and therefore, felt no responsibility to tip them.  Plus, he only had those travelers check with him, never any cash.  How convenient and slick was that!

 It really hit the fan, one day at lunch, when TW Terry was having his free glass of water.  The Dew asked the fellows at his table if anyone wanted a beer with their lunch and that he would be more than happy to buy a drink for one or all.  TW Terry headed to the restrooms at that point not uttering a word at the table.  On his return from the men’s water closet, he passed by the Dew and myself at the bar where we were getting all the beers to bring back to the table.  TW very quietly leaned over the bar and said to the bartender in a very low whisper, so we could not hear, to add a very large tumbler size glass of KJ Merlot wine.  I think I heard him say to the bartender to “super size it”, along with the beers and to put that cost on the Dew’s tab, since he had been the one who offered to pay.  TW Terry would not buy his own glass of wine, but would definitely order a colossal size glass of wine if someone else were picking up the tab.  Needless to say, everyone was excessively and super size pissed at TW.

 That afternoon, TW Terry shot a smooth 74; just two over par at Prestwick golf course by using the aid of Dew’s and my caddie exclusively.  Billy was our caddie, who was two-bagging it for the loop that day.  Billy was 50+ years-old, toothless, with a three to four day-old scruffy beard stubble on his face and sad sunken bloodshot eyes.  He must have weighed about 140 pounds soaking wet, on a thin-boned 5’5″ frame, and had a pint of single malt scotch half sticking out of his back left pocket.  His red nose could stop traffic.  Billy had that homeless look about him.  However, Billy knew this golf course and he knew how to play it.  He was a charitable sort and offered up his pint to us, which we declined after considering his dental condition.

 After we finished the round at Prestwick, we again asked TW Terry if he wanted to participate in the tip for Billy, since he had really helped TW shoot the best round of golf that day.  Again, TW Terry declined saying that he still had only the travelers’ checks on him and still no cash.  Terry said that the most Christian thing we all could do was not to contribute to Billy’s drinking problem. TW Terry that moment was having an epiphany and had tuned to religion to be frugal.

 That evening at dinner, we all confronted TW Terry and told him that we needed his $440 entry fee, NOW.  Terry said, “Let me give you fine lads my marker for $440, since, I have been winning every day.  I’m definitely winning more than the $440 that I owe to the pot, so my marker will be more than it’s worth.”

We all just looked in total disbelief and said, “No way in Hell are you giving us your marker!!!  It just ain’t happening!  Now, go over to the front desk and cash those GD Gold American Express checks from WW ll.  Give PA Paul the necessary $440 and screw the current exchange rate. You are going to lose a total of $1.57 on the transaction. You have been dodging this for four days now. Either pay up or don’t bother to play golf the rest of the trip with us!!!”

 TW Terry was stunned, mortified, totally taken back, but still he had the largest gonads to again ask us one more time, “Are you sure I can’t just give you my marker? It’ll be good.”

 Everyone exploded in loud unison, “No f–king way!!!”

 Tightwad Terry finally got up and cashed those old musty badly wrinkled travelers’ checks, thereby, giving PA Paul the $440 due.  He still did not pay for any caddies or caddies tips, nor did he buy a round of drinks until our very last night at the Glen Eagles Resort, where he finally broke down and bought two of the least expensive bottles of red merlot wine for the table that he could find.

 TW Terry would always quote Catherine Pulsifer, the famous glass artist, by saying, “Being frugal does not mean being cheap! It means being more economical and avoiding waste, (like not paying you chumps).”