Barney’s second home is on the fourth hole of one of the very exclusive private golf courses in his development in Brownsville, Texas, located only two blocks from the main clubhouse. Barney plays golf every day, as well as, daily working out in the club’s exercise area which is just off the men’s locker room in the main clubhouse. He takes all of his daily showering and shaving in the men’s locker room in order to save on his hot water bill.
One late afternoon he had finished playing a round of golf with some of the other members and they all headed back to the clubhouse bar for some adult beverages. After several hours of shots of tequila, along with some Dos Equis amber beer, Barney was feeling no pain. The other fellows all headed back to their respective homes, while Barney had to still shower and shave. He headed back down to the men’s locker room while ordering a small pitcher of cold beer for him to take to the shower room. By the time he got to the men’s locker room, the place was quiet and completely empty, it was around 9 PM or so at night. Barney stripped off all of his clothes, drank some more beer, and headed straight to the showers with a cold pint in his right hand. Before he reached the showers, he decided that he’d better lie down in the reclining chair in the locker room, which was located just outside of the showers, since his head was spinning and the whole room was moving from side to side. He finished his beer, closed his eyes for a couple of minutes and proceeded to pass out cold.
Around 11:30 PM, José #1 the clubhouse maintenance man, came into the locker room to turn off all of the lights and to close the place down for the evening. As José approached the cordovan leather lounge chair, he noticed a white male member completely nude with an erect woody lying face up and snoring away quite peacefully. After many fruitless attempts to wake Barney up, José just took a bath towel and draped it over Barney’s private junk. This white boy’s package certainly wasn’t Brett Favre, nor did he have the size of Secratariet, it was more like that of a Tiny Tim. He then turned off all the lights, lock the place up tightly, figuring that this member wasn’t about to wake up until late morning.
As it turned out Barney woke up around 2 AM, stumbling out of the leather chair he tried to make his way to the toilets to relieve himself. What he did not realize was that the locker room was completely dark as he kept bumping and banging into benches, lockers, and stumbling over the other member’s golf shoes, all the while being completely nude. He remembers whacking his Johnson into the corner of the locker room’s desk. Man, did that hurt.
Starting to sober up slightly, he realized that he was locked into the men’s locker room for the whole evening. He couldn’t find his clothes, his locker, or the light switch because it was black as coal in the room. Just like the Chilean miners, he was going to be here for quite awhile. After stubbing all of his toes, he finally found the leather lounge chair again. He curled into it with a singular bath towel wrapped around him, like a blanket, and went back to sleep.
In the morning José #2 arrived around 7:30 AM to open the place up and unlock all of the rooms in the clubhouse. As he walked through the men’s locker room, there was Barney sound asleep, naked, with a PMHO (perpetual morning hard on), not a very pretty sight for José, who then proceeded to turn around abruptly, briskly heading out of the locker room not looking back for one moment.
Barney was finally woken up around 8:30 AM by several of the other members who showed up early each day to use the workout facility.
Every time Barney sees José #1 and José #2, as he’s so respectfully calls them, he then quotes Larry David, the creator of Seinfeld, by telling them, “The closest that I ever came to death was masturbating with a 104-degree temperature,” they all just wink at each other and go about their business.
Barney still showers and shaves every day at the club to save on his water and heat bill, but now he does it before he starts to drink shots of tequila and Dos Equis amber cerveza, as he always says, “Uno Mas, Amigo.” After all he is the most interesting man in the world – Barney is the Dos Equis man. Drink responsibly.
