#24 – A Irreverant but Heartfelt Tribute to Ralphie



Ralphie”s 1 iron


Subject:  Ralph”s condition

I just found out today through Randy that Ralph’s condition is not good at all. Apparently he did not have a stroke as initially thought, but rather has a rare brain disease that has cripple his speech on his left side. This latest diagnosis has put him in a Hospice facility in which they say he may have only a couple of months, the prognosis is not good at all. Everyone should say a pray or two for Ralph who is only 71 years young. He’s the only MB Chop 70 years young playing 36 holes a day, five days straight and not once complained about the yardage or the number of rounds. This guy to me is the complete demonstration of not letting life kick you in the nuts, but rather you taking Death by the balls, squeezing so hard, and saying to the devil,”I’m playing all the rounds that I want to before you chase me home.” As they say in the hood where I grew up — “Go F*#k yourself you fagot prince of darkness”, I’m playing as many golf rounds as I can with the CHOPS that I love and I’ll let you know when I’m ready to call it quits. God Bless one of our favorite MB Chop’s – Ralph who never said UNCLE to Lucifer. Ralph is truly now on a MFG (Mission From God) with Jake and Elwood Blues.


For your understanding and clarification of the term and usage of the word CHOP:

Chops to me is like a brotherhood, but I don’t want to use the word Brotherhood because that reminds me of a fraternity, the teamsters, or other AFL-CIO unions. Chops is the endearing term that is different from the every day, over used words, such as – guys, gentleman, buddies, friends, etc. I cannot use amigo’s, hombre’s, or caballero’s because no one is Latino, Mexican or Spanish, other than myself being 75% Spanish. Therefore, I wanted something different that no one else uses, at least to my knowledge. Many years ago I remember reading a book from some obscure writer about two of his best friends. One was overweight, sort of on the porky side and it reminded the writer of an upside down pork chop. The other had this consent gift of gab, diarrhea of the mouth, the flapping of his jaws or running his chops. Therefore, the writer referred to the both of them affectionately as the chops. Chops = close buddies. To me that word is extremely unique and different, hence, I adopted, borrowed, or some people would even say stole the word Chops from him. As Paul Harvey would say, “…and now you know, the rest of the story…”

Note: For those of you who knew Ralphie (Ralph Converse), you’ll know what I’m talking about and for those of you who never got to know Ralphie, you missed the opportunity of a life time to know one of the great Chop’s. He was a great husband, the best Dad anybody could want, and one of the best friends you could ever ask for. Ralph, I tried to get this to you before you decided to shut it down, now your guardian angel is going to have to special deliver this to you.

Here’s how it’s going to play out:

Ralphie, upon entering those pearly gates, you find out that you have an early tee time with two of the greatest – Payne Stewart and Seve Ballesteros with the 4th TBD (to be determined) later. St. Peter directs you to the new members locker room overlooking that famous cloud #9. There you’ll get cleaned up from your travels, you’ll get your shoes shined, hair combed and be ready for the big match in the sky.

Ralphie knows that Payne is infamous for his NFL cap, team shirt, team knickers and that great smile, while Seve is best known for his ability to scramble from anywhere on the course and score big time. But what the two of them don’t know is that Ralphie carries a 1 iron in his bag which he can hit the living crap out of and score. Jack Nicklaus is the only other great golfer that can hit the 1 iron, but he’s still here living and playing at Muirfield Village in Dublin, Ohio, so he’s no threat to our boy Ralphie.

As Ralphie heads over to the 1st heavenly tee at the famous Country Club of Heaven; angel Miguel – the starter, atoledo.com tells Ralphie who the 4th will be. It’s none other than the “Big G” Himself, taking the morning off to welcome and play with one of the best MB (Myrtle Beach) Chops ever. The “ Big G” will be letting JC (Jesus Christ) and the boys run the universe over the next 4 hours or so.

We all know that the “Big G” Almighty can also hit the 1 iron extremely well. Now it’s game on between the two of them. The Lord has the Latin word: Deus, embroidered in gold on both sides of His shiny bright white golf bag which is very intimidating and illuminating with that special glow. Knowing this, I called up several odd makers in Vegas to see what the early line was going to be with one of our own MB Chops going head to head with the “Big G”. I was told the current odds are 8 to 5 in favor of Ralphie, therefore, myself along with several other MB Chops decided to lay down a deuce (two grand) on Ralphie to win. The “Big G” being All Knowing, knows this; so He tells Ralphie that he just has a temporary pass in this Divine Kingdom and it could be revoked at anytime for any reason, such as scoring better than Our Lord.

The “Big G” says to Ralphie, “ Since you are only here on that temporary green card…, and all your privileges can be revoked in a heartbeat…, you might want to consider not using your 1 iron.” Ralphie, our boy, not to be out done with one hand firmly gripping a dozen freshly baked Krispy Kreme donuts and the other hand softly creasing his strong 1 iron, says to the Lord in his best good old boy southern Baptist accent, “ PTL (Praise the Lord)…, you realize that I’m on a very special MFG (Mission From God)…, but I’m willing to tee it up against You…, but first I would like to know…, how the heck can You hit that 1 iron…, when You’re wearing all those heavy outdated long white robes…? It’s got to be hotter than hell under there…? No way can those be the new non-sweat lightweight microfiber super robes that Nike introduced a few years back…? They are… aren’t they…!!! Damn…!!!”

As all 4 of them hit their drives down the middle and head down that 1st heavenly fairway, you can start to hear Ralphie singing (from Blood, Sweat, and Tears – And When I Die), ”…and when I die… and when I’m dead…, dead and gone…, they’ll be one child born in this world to carry on…to carry on…”

Ralphie, the Blessed Virgin Mary will always be by your side, shielding and protecting you, as well as making sure that you have that prominent permanent locker at CCH in the sky.

Love you buddy, your fellow Chop.



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