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One year, twelve of us golfers were in Myrtle Beach, and all of us were having a great time. On the second evening after golf that day and dinner at Greg Norman's Steakhouse, we decided to all head to one of the local strip clubs for some entertainment and beer, or at least eleven of us did. One of the fellows, Stanley, was dead tired and just wanted to go back to the condo to get some needed rest for the next day’s round of 36 holes at the very tough and demanding Tidewater golf course. So, the rest of us headed to one of the local jiggle joints just to do some research on the local habitat and see if any of the pole dancers could qualify for Dancing with the Stars
Around 10 p.m. that evening, Stan's condo phone started ringing, while he was watching the local weather channel for the next day’s weather forecast. Stan answered the phone and it happened to be the wife of Jerome wanting to speak to her husband. Jerome's wife is a devout Bible thumping born-again fundamentalist Christian who undoubtedly would not have approved of Jerome going to a strip club. So, Stan being extremely astute and very protective of the Guy’s Code of Silence and Total Ignorance said to her that Jerome was still out at dinner with the rest of the fellows.
Jerome's wife being a sharp woman quickly responded by saying, “Well then, how come you're not at dinner with all of the fellows?”
Stan being the sharp local junior college law professor responded quickly by saying, “You know, I just wasn't feeling very well. So, I decided to take a pass on dinner with the guys and I just grabbed a quick salad at one of the fast food places, then I swallowed some Imodium tablets and came back here to get some needed rest for tomorrow’s golf games. When Jerome gets back to the condo, I'll tell him that you called.”
When all of us went to the strip club that evening, we all turned off our cell phones, since you would not be able to hear or speak with anyone with all the loud music and flashing strobe lights going on anyway. It's pretty hard just to have a conversation among ourselves in those clubs, but then again we really didn’t come here to talk. We came to view the artistic style and value of pole dancing. Hell, we all thought it would be like going to the Joffrey Ballet. Wrong.
Around 11 p.m., Stan's condo phone started ringing again and this time the ringing woke him up from his sleep. Stan answered it only to find that again it was Jerome's wife. And, she again asked Stan where Jerome was and why Jerome hadn't called her back yet. Stan again told her that the fellows obviously had not returned from d
inner and that he'd leave another note for Jerome on his pillow, next to the little piece of chocolate, to call home when he comes in.
Jerome's wife, now being a bit annoyed and slightly irritated with Stan, wanted to know where the fellows went to dinner and at what precise time did they leave for the restaurant. Stan, also really annoyed as well, said that he didn't know since he did not go with them. She now asked Stan why Jerome had not answered his cell phone calls, which Stan said, “I have no idea why. Maybe it's just broken or no reception or maybe he changed his cell number and did not give you the new one.”
Back to sleep again, only to be wakened up at midnight again by the sound of the damn ringing telephone, Stan reluctantly answered it after 14 rings and again it was Jerome's wife wanting to speak to her husband. Once again, Stan said that the fellows still had not yet returned from dinner.
Jerome's wife not accepting any of Stan's BS stories, demanded to know just exactly where he was. Stan finally broke down saying that we had previously discussed going to the midnight Mass somewhere in the county to get some much sought after religion before the big golf games in the morning. She didn't buy it at all . . . not a funny thing to be telling a reborn Christian woman with her Gideon Bible sitting on her lap.
The eleven of us finally rolled in around 12:30 in the morning, only to see three rather large notes in large block letters lying on the counter, telling Jerome he’d better call home immediately to talk with his frantic wife because she was totally pissed that he had not made even one call to her all day long.
Stan finally took the phone off the hook so he could get some sleep, “Without (as he phrased it) that damn phone ringing every hour in my ear.”
Needless to say, Jerome did finally call home that evening and just blamed the late night on the rest of us, saying, “They dragged me unwillingly into one of those sinful, disgusting strip clubs, without my knowledge on where they were taking me”. He made the mistake of trying to joke with his wife by saying that he completely thought we were all taking him to one of those all night Bible study classes that the Baptists in the South have. She didn't buy that one either.
Jerome was ordered to get on the next plane and come home for total redemption and salvation of his pitiful soul, or to just call home every two hours and recite a short prayer with his wife for the remainder of the trip. He elected to call home every two hours. “Prayer is good for the soul and the putter,” he kept telling us. He’s now studying to be a deacon in his local church to make up for all of his sinful and shameful ways of the flesh. Moreover, “Glory be, hallelujah, and PTL (praise the Lord)”, are now stamped on all his golf balls.
Del has been going on golf trips for over 30 years. These are his stories.
- Prelude 28. May, 2010
- #2: The Infamous Krispy Kreme Doughnuts 16. Jun, 2010
- #12: The Club Championship at St. Andrews, part 1 15. Nov, 2010
- make ex gf miss you 14. Jul, 2010
- #18: The How To: On Removing One’s Partner 14. Feb, 2011
- #23: The Myrtle Beach Nightlife, the Midnight Call, and the Bible 16. May, 2011
- #22: Skiing in Vail on Super Hot Wings 11. Apr, 2011
- #21:PRESTWICK GOLF COURSE, TIGHTWAD TERRY AND HIS MARKERS 28. Mar, 2011
- #20:Ireland and the IRA 14. Mar, 2011
- #19: Scotland in the Morning – Follow the Rising Sun 28. Feb, 2011
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